Hi Kate:
I read every post on this thread and have nothing to add (because I couldn't). I've been here ten years and have learned so much, most importantly that we are so small and insignificant but can be kind and give the benefit of the doubt. Not saying we don't matter; we all do.
I deal with confusion and frustration and all the rest by writing prose poetry. By now, it's certainly clear to me that not everyone relates. Or maybe they do but have no response. This one got no attention when posted a few weeks ago, but maybe you'll relate to it. I wish you peace and love.
Your new friend,
CoCo
I have locked myself away, away from friends and all distraction, those that impinge upon my goal.
My goal? To make contact with that undefined force that wells up from within but has no tangible existence, no palpable aspect to it. Nonetheless, I know it is there. It niggles at me during all my anxious waking hours; it skewers me without mercy during ever fitful sleep.
Why do I bother when life could be so much simpler when I turn off the brain and numb my heart to love and life's other beautiful sensations? I am driven to discover what learning and romance and religion have failed to afford me. I must find what lies hidden within my troubled frame and pull it up and out into the sun of day.
I have vowed to search at all cost to myself, in the life now and whatever life may come . . .